...and now, the whole game in one shot without commentary. Enjoy.
FUN FACT: The game was never released in Japan, because Bandai thought it would be too weird for Japanese gamers. Instead, it's America and Europe only. In the 2000's, however, an unreleased Famicom prototype was found, and it was even more macabre (and weird) than the final release that only made it to the West.
Round 1
The game starts out surprisingly cheerful. You have flaming punks shooting bolts of electricity at you and nude women's legs popping out of the ground. When Bert said that his planet was dangerous, Mark certainly didn't expect nude women's upside-down legs sticking out of the ground and kicking wildly.
The second electric punk at the very start keeps dropping hearts. Keep moving back and forth to re-spawn this guy and keep destroying him until you stop getting hearts. A heart will recover a little bit of your health. You should fill your life up to maximum if you want to survive this whole game, or else you're not gonna make it to the end. You also have one life, so if you die, you'll have to continue.
Thankfully, the same enemies will always have the same items, so you can go through the levels, memorize them, and remember "Hey, this enemy right here will give me health."
Interestingly, the hitbox on Mark's bat is a bit generous, and you don't need to be right up on the enemy; if the bat touches them, it will connect.
The first door you see has a plant inside, and it's probably a reference to Audrey II from The Little Shop of Horrors. To beat him, send the bubbles he spits back at him with your bat.
When you beat him, grab the question mark that appears (a question mark appears every time you beat a boss) and leave. The question mark can give you anything from points to life to a transformation pill. While specific enemies will drop question marks, the item you get will still be random. Sometimes you might get a pill or health when you need it; sometimes you won't.
When you pick up a pill, you'll transform into Bert for a short time. As Bert, you can shoot lasers instead of swinging a bat, and you can also fly.
The second room contains nothing, but the third room contains a deceased lizard that looks like a deceased crab. Deceased crab is deceased. Just stand there for a few seconds and you'll beat the dead crab. wut
When you walk past the giant tree in the background, everything turns from happy to grotesque. Welcome to the Monster World. The enemies are the same, but the whole place looks really macabre (in a silly sort of way) and you also meet up with dogs that have human heads.
Enter the door in the giant tree near the eyeball monsters and you'll face a pumpkin-head man wearing a dinner cloth. If you're Bert when you enter, this is a lot easier. Just hit him in the head. When you beat him, you'll get the key to go through the exit.
From there, go right until you reach a door with a bone-adorned frame. This is the exit to the next level. You'll get a little bit of health back when you go through the exit. Don't touch the skeleton hands coming out of the ground, as they act like spikes.
Round 2
Oh, lord. The game gets even weirder.
First of all, there are puking mouths that block your path, bubble-spitting eggs, purple crocodiles that use their own offspring as weapons, and fish running around with women's legs.
The first door contains a giant Medusa snake that shoots snakes at you. You're better off being Bert for this one, since you can do far more damage far more easily.
If you send the bubble an egg spits out directly back at it, you'll be able to kill it in one hit.
The third door contains a giant, hopping shrimp. Avoid it and attack it as it moves around. It will then turn into an onion ring. Keep hitting it and then it turns into a shish-kebab. After beating the shish-kebab, you'll be able to leave. Duck to avoid taking damage when it comes your way.
The fifth door contains a wishing well that throws plates. It's based on a Japanese ghost story. If you're Mark, you can send the plates back at it, but it's still easier to beat as Bert. Beating this wishing well gives you the key.
From there, just head to the pipe at the end, press Up and you'll be able to enter Round 3.
Round 3
You'll be wearing pink from this point. As a result, Bert's lasers now have a longer range.
One of the fish with legs near the beginning will keep dropping hearts.
Avoid the blue spikes that drop from the ceiling as you progress. (You'll be able to see them, thankfully.)
The bats just fly around while the skeletons teleport in and out in two different locations.
The second door contains a minotaur that sends cows at you. Knock them back at him, and jump over his head to keep from being cornered.
The third door has you fighting an invisible mummy. Hit him in the legs with lasers as Bert. Yeah, just keep ducking and shoot.
The umbrellas float downwards and towards you. Keep attacking to get rid of them.
The sixth door contains a giant spider. If you're Bert, just chase after him and keep hitting him with lasers. If you're Mark, though, you'll have your work cut out for you, staying to one side and knocking the projectiles he sends at you back at him. Ducking to avoid the ground level projectiles helps. Beating him gives you the key.
Round 4
This stage takes place in an Egyptian tomb. Geez, what's with all the random location switches?
Anyway, enemies here include white palette swaps of the crocodiles from Round 2 (who don't shoot their babies at you), snakes, rocks that move up and down and also...scorpions! Send the scorpions' projectiles back at them.
You'll have to crawl to make it to the second door. Thankfully, it isn't hard. Just hold Down and either Left or Right on the Control Pad. The second door contains a Shogun. Stay away from him and hit him in the legs. He goes down in a few hits even as Mark.
The third door contains a cat in a box. Apparently, this was supposed to be a Gremlin, but changed due to obvious copyright-related reasons. Send the miniature cats that it sends out back at it with Mark's bat to beat it. If you're Bert, this is easier.
The fifth door contains the punk rocker. If you're Mark, duck under him and send the notes he shoots out back at him. If you're Bert, his enhanced strength will make it much easier, and you can go all the way to the right for even more hits. Beating him gives you the key, so from here on out, just head right and enter the exit.
Round 5
A forest. Yay.
You have Loch Ness Monsters popping their necks in and out of the water and tiny fish with humongous shark fins jumping right at you. There are also fish skeletons jumping in and out. You can jump over the former if your timing is right.
If you turn into Bert at any point starting this round, he'll shoot two lasers that criss-cross together instead of the regular single straight laser. He'll be doing this for the rest of the game. It's pretty nice.
If you jump into the water, jump back out immediately. The water will slowly sap your health.
The second door has dancing zombies. Beating these guys really isn't hard. Just stand there and watch them dance.
The third door has a javelin-throwing wooden statue. Send the javelins back at his head (which is harder than it should be since the hit detection is rather picky). Beating him gives you the key. By the way, you can also jump onto the small rocks in the wall.
Round 6
Unlike the other rounds of this game, this is a maze. Also, Mark is now wearing orange.
Avoid the little spirit drops (or whatever they are) throughout the level. Since you're going to be spending some time on the upper half of the screen, this is going to be hard to do at times. You'll also see moving furniture and pants that walk on their own.
Go into the door on the left when you begin.
From there, go all the way to the right and enter the door at the end. From there, do it again. From there...do it yet again. From there...do it yet again.
Now enter the first door in your path, and then go to the door on the other end. This is the boss. It's a chameleon-like creature that blends into the wall. There are four faces to deal with. Three of them are fake and don't damage you to the touch, but the fourth one does. Find it and smack it around with the baseball bat. You'll get the key.
When you leave, go back to the door you entered this hallway from. Go to the door immediately to your right, then go all the way to the right and enter the door you see there. Do this again.
You'll drop into another hallway. Don't enter the first door you see. Instead, enter the one after it. From there, go all the way to the left and enter the door there. Now just go to the right and you're outta here!
Round 7
Oh, lord. You'll be climbing up a tower here.
The guy in the fencer mask walks left and right just like the ghost and the guy with the weird-looking salmon covered face, but he switches directions in very random intervals. It's really strange.
If you hit the guy with the salmon covered face, you'll find out it's a raggedy little mask and that he's an elephant man. Seriously, he's hiding an elephant head under there. Hit him and you'll see it! Honest!
The pink bats move at an angle and bounce off the sides of the screen like the ball in a game of Pong, so it's easy to tell where he's going. Beating him is another matter, usually because of all the other enemies you may have to deal with at the time.
The door on the third floor takes you to Royce the Caterpillar. He's probably a reference to Rolls Royce, since he rolls around the screen. You're better off getting Bert for this, since he's pretty fast and can take off a couple bars of life with one hit. Also, Bert will have a
The door on the eighth floor is the Grim Reaper battle. Notice that he says the word "hell" before you fight him. How this slipped past Nintendo of America censors is beyond me. Anyway, when you beat your second boss, you'll get a key.
The door on the thirteenth floor is the giant spider. Again. This time around, he's orange and he has the Roman numeral "II" on his back. Besides being even more powerful this time around, beating all three monsters actually takes the key to the exit away from you due to buggy programming. So you're better off not fighting him.
Round 8
There is both a left and a right where you start. Go left first, and make sure to change into Bert before you fight the first boss. Go into the church. You'll face the first boss, which is a dragon that homes in on you. If you're playing as Bert, this guy is pretty simple. Just be sure to take as little damage as possible.
You'll have to go right from here on out. Take out any flying firecrackers that are in your way and also take out the witches if you can. Also, avoid the witches and the red stars that turn into constellations that shoot stars at you. You want to keep your health high and stay in the Bert form for as long as possible, since you'll definitely need to be Bert for all the bosses. Skip the tower and go into the castle you see afterwards. (For those counting, it's the third door.) You'll take on some one-eyed monster that sends its own miniature clones at you. Thankfully, it can be killed with a few well-played lasers.
Leave the room and keep going right. When you see what looks like a green temple, go in. (This is the fifth door, for those keeping track) You'll face a Sphinx head. Take him down with a few lasers and you'll have the key. From this point, just keep going right. The huge white castle at the end is the exit.
Round 9
Be sure to come here as Bert, and hit the cavity in its nose that opens up with a few lasers. If you're Bert, it's dreadfully easy.
If you're Mark, you'll have to move around while sending eyes into said cavity. And that can prove painful. But it can be done.
When you beat the Round 9 boss, you've won!
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